An Aha Moment
Many times I find myself questioning God and asking, "Why us?". Why was Jeffrey born with this horrific disease when there was only a 25% chance of him having it? Why did you call us to this adoption if it was going to be so painful and disappointing? Why aren't you moving in our situation? And if I was completely honest, I have also found myself asking, "Why them?" Why are they getting blessings we are praying for? Why would you do that for them and not for me? I know that is terrible, but it is the truth of my ugly and sinful heart at times.
Thankfully, I have a husband that so wonderfully demonstrates God's goodness and faithfulness. Despite everything he has faced and faces, he remains joyful and hopeful at all times. Can I just say this can be incredibly annoying at times! Sometimes you just want to have a pity party and wallow in your sorrow. Jeffrey will not attend my pity parties and reminds me of all that have to be thankful for in our lives. THANK YOU, LORD FOR MY HUSBAND! I would not be the woman I am today without him. Jeffrey many times will remind me that maybe God called us to adopt not just to change the life of our child, but to do a major work in us. Probably more me than Jeffrey, but he includes himself because he is humble.
This weekend, I had one of those aha moments. You know when you don't understand something and then suddenly it clicks! I'll admit, I still don't understand a lot of this process fully, but I do think that it has opened opportunities for me to love on and speak to women that maybe I wouldn't know how to if this would have just been a quick, painless process. I have always had a heart for the poor and needy. Many of you know I have spent years in the inner-city, I have gone to several third world countries, and I am so comfortable speaking to those who have less. Speaking to childless women well that has never been something I knew how to do. Although I have never been extremely poor, I have easily sympathized with people, cried with them, and did my best to help. There are some situations and areas of hurt that need more than sympathy. They require empathy. This weekend I cried with two different women as I shared the pain of longing for a child. The pain when you cry yourself to sleep, the pain of guarding your heart from jealously and bitterness, the pain of feeling like maybe you aren't enough- I have felt these pains. Though I know many women choose to not have children, one of the beautiful opportunities of being a woman is the privilege to be mother, and it can be devastating and unbearable when your heart longs for this, but your situation seems impossible. This weekend, I saw how my empathy was just what they needed. I didn't try to fix something or tell them that their hurt would go away; I just let them feel my empathy.
I started off this post by sharing how the women spoke about how life doesn't always go how you planned it. I would currently have a couple kids, we would be living in a beautiful house, I would be a little skinnier, my hair wouldn't need coloring so often, and my bank account would be a little bigger, but life happens. Because life has happened, I have learned to see the humorous in the darkest moments; I have learned to keep on living while I am waiting for more of my life to begin, and I have so thankfully been able to connect with and encourage others who feel like they are sinking in a similar ocean.
The intent of this post is not to share how awesome and inspirational I am. Let's face it- I am a mess! The intent is to encourage you to look a little bit beyond your current struggles and see how God can use you where you are. Don't wait to be where you want to be. I would love for God to sweep me up, give me a miracle, and let my baby be in my arms tomorrow, but until He does, I am going to keep going. I trust He is standing with me and has a reason for me to still be here. When I signed up for this adoption, I thought I was going to have to endure a little bit of heartache for a couple months. Three and a half years later, I have come to see that there is something bigger than me and my baby. There is purpose in this wait, and I am just beginning to learn a little part of it.
Romans 12:11-13 MSG Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.