A HEAVY HEART

Today I woke up with Ethiopia and our adoption really heavy on my heart. I think about it all the time of course, but there are times when it just really pulls me. As I woke up, I just couldn't get it out of my head. It's not that I don't want to think about the adoption, but I am really trying not to stress about it because it is totally out of my control.

I started by praying and asking God to somehow make a way where there doesn't really seem to be. I usually try to avoid news articles and things that could possibly dampen my spirit, but I am also a strong believer in being educated and knowing what we are getting ourselves into. When I Googled recent news articles on Ethiopian adoption, I found of course what I have been trying to avoid-an article about how Ethiopian has slowed their adoptions down by almost 90% since 2011 and an article on how an Ethiopian girl just revoked her adoption from the Netherlands because of abuse. I hate how the articles that the world sees just says everything against adoption. I hate how people who have no right to adopt a child like this couple from the Netherlands and many others are ruining it for people who truly want to love and support children. When the Ethiopian government reads and hears about articles like this, it just makes them less willing to sign off on adoptions. I can't really blame them, but the real people who are suffering are the children. Right now from our adoption agency alone, there are around 150 families who are ready to welcome an orphan into our lives forever, but we wait.

As I was reading, thinking, and praying about Ethiopia, I happened to look down at the calendar on my laptop and notice that today marks exactly four months since our papers have been in Ethiopia. In pregnancy world, I would be in my 2nd trimester. In adoption world, I am still in my first. I am still feeling morning sickness, I have quite a wait ahead of me, and I am yet to know the gender of my baby. Four months sounds like such a huge accomplishment, but it also rings very heavy on my heart.

I recall telling friends in the past how I can't believe they are already 4 months pregnant, and how time is just moving so quickly. Today, I feel the complete opposite. Instead of feeling like "Wow! It has been four months!" I feel more like "It has only been four months..". Some of you may be thinking this isn't really positive or a way to look at the glass half full, but when I planned on developing this blog I planned on being 100% honest and this is just how I feel today. To think that I may have to endure this wait six more times seems unbearable at the moment.

As I type this now, tears are running down my face. My heartaches, and I feel inadequate to do this. Sometimes I question God and ask Him, "Why?" or "Are you sure?" Sometimes I feel like He picked the wrong woman for this mission. Thankfully, I have a strong man beside me who constantly reminds me that God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called. I don't know how I am going to do this, but I know that in the end my heartache, my tears, and my pain will all be worth it. The day that I get to bring my baby home none of this will matter anymore.

Today, I ask you to please pray for me and for Jeffrey. Please pray for our adoption process to move. Please pray for our baby and for all the other children in the world who are waiting for their mommies and daddies to bring them home.

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